Posts from the ‘Ladies and Gents I Present to You’ Category

How to Make the Pizza Delivery Man Think You’re a Loon

Step 1: Order a pizza

This is very important. Just order a pizza. You can’t get Chinese; that’s a post for another time. And if you’re wondering what kind, just go nuts. They’ll think you are anyway.

Step 2: Throw on your winter Cloak.

You know, the one you’ve put away for the summer and is buried in your closet. Don’t ask why. It was unrelated.

Step 3: Put on your shades

This is so you won’t have to spend five minutes looking for them when the door bell rings.

Step 4: Find someone in your house to have a conversation with

Actually you can do just about whatever here; just so long as you are distracted.

Step 5: Answer the door for the pizza you’ve forgotten about

Thank you for choosing Domino’s … uuummm?


From Woods to the World

Well friends, it looks like everything I say really is gold.
So now I’m off to take on the world.
Or maybe I’ll take it over Pinky and the Brain style.
Either way, I think Frost said it best. Of course he did.
Hugs to all! Handshakes if you prefer.

Etiquette for AC

I have it on good authority that some instruction is needed on how to properly handle “excessive heat.”
I kid you not, I’ve seen those exact words on a weather warning. And to those of you who just thought, keep hydrated and wear light clothes, um yeah, keep reading.
Now of course ideally you will have some sort of air circulating device installed, maybe more than one depending on the size of your house. If you are very fortunate, you may even have central air, in which case you need not read further. But right now I wish to speak to those of you who only have one or two fans that really only push around the hot air. If that is your situation, here are some good tips to keep in mine.

  • no running around.
  • These are not the days you want to be running around the house moving the furniture or finally tackling that cleaning project you’ve been wanting to get to. I don’t care how many bottles of water you consume, this is heat and you need to stop that immediately.

  • Do nothing.
  • Taking this one step further if you can, it would be very beneficial to both your health and sanity to find a nice activity where you can be still. Not only should you not be running around, but if it really is extreme heat, you really shouldn’t even be moving around too much. I would suggest something like reading a book or listening to music or even watching TV. This is my official declaration for you to veg out. Seriously.

  • No sleeping
  • Okay, I know this one probably makes no sense to you. I’m sure you’re thinking that sleeping would be a perfect activity when you should be doing nothing. Or perhaps you think I really mean no sleep at all … silly you. Here’s the thing though, you sweat more in your sleep. So if you live where high heat means extreme humidity like me, waking up from what you might have thought was a pleasant nap to escape the heat may turn out not to be so pleasant when you find yourself all sticky.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, none of that really had anything to do with AC. True, so here’s the part that does.
When you have an AC, it’s first a good idea to determine where in your house to put it. This will in large part depend on the size and type of your AC. If you wish to simulate central air and can afford multiple ACs in your home, go right ahead and do it.
The AC is a wonderful thing to have and if you don’t have one, I highly recommend you run out and get one–unless of course it’s 95 degrees out, then you should probably walk. There are however some things an AC cannot nor should it be expected to do.
For example, do not turn on your bedroom AC and expect your room to feel cool and refreshing if you leave the door open. One AC will not cool off the whole house, but if you leave doors open everywhere, it might try.
Secondly, Please do not stand directly in front of your AC and complain that everywhere else is too hot when you move away from it. Seriously? I’m not even sure that deserves a “duh.”
Thirdly, No heat is extreme enough to recreate winter. Granted I personally love winter, but but there is no reason to make your house or bedroom feel below zero just because you can’t stand anything over 79.
And lastly, if other people are sharing your air conditioned room, please respect them and their temperature needs. Heat is a terrible time to get upset about anything.

So now you know, and I hope you take these tips to heart, because unless your day was so bad that it is going to actually ruin your life, it is no excuse to come home and start a fight with your roommate because you are hot. You will get no sympathy from me.

Adventures In Lemon Cupcakes: What I learned

So apparently some people think strawberry picking is supposed to be in September.
Um, what?
I don’t mean people like you and me , I mean actual farmers, who run actual farms. Aren’t they the ones who are supposed to know things like that? Also if this is true, why didn’t we ever go strawberry picking in school?
We did eventually find strawberries, but before that adventure, there was hand lotion.
I’m pretty sure I’ve never wanted to eat hand lotion more than I did that day at the farm store. It was like lemon cake amazingness. I didn’t end up buying any because I decided that I really didn’t want my hands to smell like lemon cream cake all the time. I did however decide right then and there that I would make lemon cupcakes my summer project.
Yesterday was day one, attempt one. They weren’t horrible but they’re not perfect either.
Here’s what I discovered during that adventure:

  1. I have a cut on my finger? I really have no memory of getting this cut, but I found out real fast that it was there; right on my index finger.
  2. Lemon seeds have got to be the slipperiest little devils I have ever had to work with. Don’t worry, I didn’t put them in the cupcakes.
  3. I’m not really sure how I did it, but somehow I missed two entire rows of my cupcake tin. It’s a mini tin that is supposed to hold 24. Oh well. I’d say I was distracted by my throbbing finger, but I stopped feeling it some time after adding the eggs.
  4. Was anyone else aware that cooking spray makes everything stick worse? I’m pretty sure It does, and I didn’t have cupcake wrappers to use instead. Lemon cakeballs anyone?
  5. So even though I missed a few cups, I had enough left over batter for six normal-sized cupcakes and still extra batter after that. So there was bowl cake … again.

Perhaps I’ll have better luck next try?

Nothing to Show

It is quiet around here today.
It was basically a slow, quiet yet productive morning. Then the roomies came home and I went to hide out for a little while. Today this blog is two years old and it isn’t even getting balloons. Now that I think about it, I don’t think we even celebrated its first birthday. I haven’t even hit 200 posts. But today, this year I remembered.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TALES! You’ve been a good blog.

And Now On To Christmas

I hope everyone’s turkey day was grand!
For those of you who don’t eat turkey, I hope your substitute tasted just like chicken–er–the real thing? 😉 I hope it tasted exactly how you dreamt it would. And for those of you who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you keep reading and are at least entertained.
A few things you should make a note of, and some things I learned:

  1. black Friday is the official day I will recognize christmas music with out inwardly snarling at anyone. I will also except Christmas tunes on Thanksgiving itself, especially if requested by two adorable little boys while I play the Trusty Lute for them.
  2. The wire fox Terrier is apparently a popular dog. Who knew.
  3. Clearly I’ve been going about this whole adopt myself out for the hollidays all wrong. The lute is magical people, magical!
  4. If you give one recipe for cooking squash, you will instantly recieve about a dozen in return.
  5. Trying to identify foreign and mostly obsolete kitchen tools is tuns of fun!
  6. Lining those same tools up on the table though, looks like a mini torture chamber.
  7. Home-made salad dressing is amazing.
  8. Turkey peaces in a bowl is a great snack. Unless of course you are against the eating of gobble birds.”
  9. Small children enjoy live music so long as they can dance to it.
  10. Trusty Lute is a great investment for entertaining children
  11. If you play a concert on Thanksgiving, you may lose some of your audience to the football game. But it will be ok, because if there are adorable children who like music or dancing, they will sit and let you play forever; even if you have to learn songs on the fly to keep going.
  12. Also about those adorable children, they may encourage you to eat faster if you stop to snack mid concert.
  13. And finally, if you decide to have tea and coffee and chat after the meal is over, it’s a good idea to put the food away. Otherwise you will just keep eating it. Trust me.

Happy hollidays everyone!

For Peace of Mind

There are several things that would quite possibly make my life a happier place to live if I just accepted them as par for the course.
I once got a fortune cookie with that had a fortune that said I’d be happier if I didn’t stress about other people being late for things. Um, who asked Confucius anyway?
But back to making my life a happier place to live. Here are some things I bet you never even thought of.

  1. The hungry dish drainer
  2. It’s true. I know you’ve all had your socks eaten by a drier at one time in your life, but I bet you didn’t know that your very own dish drainer ate your dishes too
    So here’s what happens. I’ll take a dish or a cup down from the cabinet, say to put my lunch on, and after I’ve finished and washed the cup or dish I put it away. I have to confess here that I don’t always think to put the dishes back in the cabinet until the drainer gets full, but it does get done eventually. This of course goes on for a few days until one day there just aren’t any more dishes.
    I know I know, check the sink. That was my first hint; when I’d check the sink and the dishes weren’t even in there. Of course the first place I checked was the cabinet, so I already knew the dishes weren’t in there. Maybe they were put away in the wrong cabinet. No, in the fridge holding leftover food perhaps? And I’m pretty sure they didn’t somehow all break. So of course it has to be a dish eating drainer!
    I’d take my theory to Heather and Georgy, but they’d never believe me. And spoons and forks are the worst.

  3. oven mits need to breathe
  4. You think I’m crazy, but every time I put them away, they wander out onto the kitchen counter and I can’t find them. Well, I find them eventually, but never back “where they’re supposed to go.”

  5. Paper towels will roll
  6. Why use one to clean a mess when you can use the whole roll. Honestly I think the paper towels just get lonely. Heather or Georgy takes a paper towel into the living room to clean something up and the whole roll needs to come along for company. Or perhaps as a cheering section?

So here’s to making my life happier and accepting the unusual as normal!